A Poem by Christina Hoover

"A child in Hell”

Haunted by the past,

Fears come to get me,

Feelings of numbness and pain,

Darkness in a cast,

Confusion is all I see,

"My innocense has been stolen from me!"

I want to scream it loud and clear!

The monster lurks and with his eyes he threatens,

Pain follows as he draws near!

True to his word, death descends,

The beatings begin...

I obey, it never ends.

They call me insane,

No one to be named,

I will be the thing blamed,

Nightmares and screaming,

Blackness is deepening,

Memories surround me,

No one is near  to see,

A death that is endless,

Betrayed by my own feelings,

Life has no meaning,

Ocean of tears,

Voices remind me of my fears,

Why did they even want an adoption?

Fleeing is no option,

Slashed, but not gone,

Smashed and used,

Backed into a lair,

I yell, but no one is there,

Why don't I ever belong?

I am just another pawn,

Trapped and bruised,

Hurt and used,

Survival is the key,

Doesn't anybody see?

Wanting to run,

Need to stay,

Protecting the liars,

My strength is drained,

"Am I going insane?"

Their hearts are like coal,

They haven't a soul,

It isn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling open and bare,

WHAT THE HELL OF HAVE I DONE?

The liars will pay,

They will have their day!

In a pit of evil,

Cutting brings relief,

If only drugs were legal!

These people influence my beliefs,

Him touching, and frequently forcing,

Brings the fire and tears that are coarsing,

I try to do my best,

To protect those who betray me,

I try to put them at rest,

But why won't they see?

Control in fear is his way,

There are no more words to say,

His eyes icy, Fingers cold,

In the darkness he is bold!

"You are a ugly and selfish bitch," He repeats,

"If you die, you will never be missed !"

They ask, I just guess,

I feel less and less.

With all of my heart I plead!

Why can't I go free?

A child in hell,

Demons are surrounding,

My feelings are evil,

Like a deepening well,

The voices are screaming: "Look who is coming! It is the devil!"

Nothing is level,

They make me sick,

Deceit is in their blood,

Venom in their veins,

When I am down, they still kick,

They watch, their fingers point in blame,

Tongues yell, "In church you should have sang!"

Yet their home is full of sin and shame,

My soul full of confusion and pain.

Their voices are full of hate,

But they say to love,

Walls around me as tall as the sky above,

Deep valleys of doubt cause them to win,

Another day begins,

"God should be your goal,"

they taunt, "love him with all your soul,"

I should act as a dove,

Full of total devotion,

It is never enough, I give up!

Yet I have Fear, as deep as the ocean,

Does death kill pain?

Maze of lies, I have no way,

Sexual hurt, will it end?

Hate, hurt, pain, their gain,

Another night, another day,

Will my heart ever mend?

A piece here, a piece there,

Take take take until I am empty,

I just want to be loved!

Isn't that fair?

Three fathers, all fake,

I am let down for the last time,

It is too late.

Isn't there anyone who is kind?

Memories flood like pouring blood,

Is there any hope?

No end in sight,

I feel as dirty as mud,

I wash and wash with soap.

My skin is red and bright,

I never feel clean.

How do I cope?

I obey with all my might,

My instincts grow keen,

Wanting to run,

Wanting to hide,

Aren't children supposed to have fun?

They wish I'd just die.